Who Turned The Light On?

     Excuse me for a second, I have to get something out of the garage.  Hey, someone left the light on in here. Why is the light on?  Don't people know that leaving a light on costs electricity and money? Global warming, you know. OK, I have what I want, let me turn the light off--there.
     You know, I forgot that I need my lucky umbrella to give me motivation to write. I know, I should have grabbed it while I was in the garage but I thought I didn't need it to today. Let me go get it. Wait a minute, the light is still on in the garage.  I am getting old and continually forgetting  to turn lights off, but I know I turned that light in the garage off when I went in there a few minutes ago. Let me turn the light off  and get back to writing.
     "Yes dear, I'll go bring up the garbage cans from the curb before that big black cloud hits."
     Excuse me once again, I have to go through the garage to get to the side of the house and open the gate to bring the garbage cans up.  Here I go.  Dang, someone left the light on again. I'm going to close the light and try this again.  I know that I turned the light off. 
     Something funny is happening here.  Contrary to popular belief and I drink a lot of coffee--studies have shown that coffee helps reduce the onset of senility--I am not going senile. I turned that light off, I know I did. The light came is on again, and it came on as soon as I opened the door and went into the garage.  I did not touch a switch to turn it on.
     By the way, this doesn't have anything to do with the light in the garage, but that big black cloud is getting bigger and it is getting darker. As usual, Denise is right again.
     Oh, I get it.  There is a little opening in the rafters of the garage ceiling--we have one of those finished garages which is sheet rocked in.  There is a little man up there who watches when the door opens from the kitchen into the garage and it is his job to turn the light on and off when someone comes into or goes out of the garage into or out of the house.  That's an innovation and a great service, why didn't I think of that.
     Hold the phone, though.  Who is paying this guy?  Do I really want this service.  It is kind of like cable.  Maybe I just want basic cable and not the premium channels like HBO, Cinemax or Shotime? Does my rent cover a service charge for him to do this light thing.  I might not want to pay for that.  I'll have to ask my landlord.
     I kind of feel a bit concerned for the poor guy that turns the light on though.  You would think with what's happening in the country today and jobs being eliminated through automation and mechanization, his job may be eliminated.  Just look at the guy who used to open the garage door. He has been replaced by automation and a machine. Just a thought.

Finally met the guy who turns the garage light on and off.  This is what he drives.  He parks it around the corner so I don't know he is working.  Who's paying him by the way? Is he living in my garage rafters?

 
            

Darn...I Missed It!

     Sometimes I am asked what it is like being retired.  I get questioned about all the time I have on my hands and how I am able to play golf every day.  I want to assure you that that doesn't happen, especially when you are broke.  Remember, I am a starving artist--even worse a starving writer.
     What is art anyway?  Art is art, not something you sell to make money.  It is the expression, isn't it?  Its not the monetary value of the product. Sorry, I am off course again.  But certainly if you have the inclination to make a donation, I wouldn't refuse.***** 
     Let's see, what was I going to write about today?  Oh, yes, my retirement and what do I do with my time.  I am very busy, not playing golf of course although I did play yesterday before it rained. It didn't cost much, the course had a pre-rain special so I took advantage of it. Got 18 holes in too and played pretty well. Is it bad to treat yourself every now and then?
     Wow!  I can't believe I just did that.  I just turned the T.V. off to come in here--my office for those of you who don't know where I write--and work.  See, I am committed to working--er, uh writing. Remember, I am not in this for the money.  Its the art and the expression. Now what do I say? Hmmm....
     I have a recliner in my office and it is calling my name--just had lunch.  Let's see what the recliner has to offer as far as story ideas and what to write.  Excuse me for a moment while I get into a more creative and thoughtful state. This feels really good.  I think I will just close my eyes and visualize my happy place for a  moment. This is very difficult, this creativity mode so pardon me for a minute while I visualize.

Sometimes I see some strange animals in my visualization time.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


*****Author's note and disclaimer: Donations are not necessary, this was just a literary device to get a laugh.

  
     

Daddy...Where Do Chihuahuas Come From?

     I have often wondered that. A chihuahua is a dog, I know that but aren't dogs supposed to be big animals?  Didn't they evolve directly from huge wolves? I can see coyotes, but chihuahuas?  It kind of makes you think.  I don't mean to question God, and I don't really understand a lot of what God does but a chihuahua?
     I think he got distracted or something.  Maybe he meant to make a rat and saw a dog so he made a chihuahua.  I don't know, I wasn't there. Could be though.
     One thing I have noticed about chihuahuas is that they don't know that they are small.  I have seen a toy chihuahua take on a great dane, and the great dane backed off.  I have also heard of a husky eating a chihuahua, but that again is another story. I guess defiance, especially on the part of the toy chihuahua can be a stupid thing.
     My chihuahua was small and would go with me wherever I went in the house.  He was a barker as well. The whole thing brings into question who was the pet and who was the master.  You know what I mean if you have a chihuahua. Its funny though how he would curl up under the covers of my bed in his own spot.  If I rolled over into his spot, he would growl as if to say, "Hey, this is my spot stupid!"  I remember hearing that from someone else before, but we won't go there.  I promise to be nice and not mention my ex.
     Housebreaking my chihuahua was another matter.  I would do all that the vet had said to get him to go outside to do his business, but it seemed as though it was more fun for him to drive me nuts by peeing on everything.  Again, who was the master and who was the pet. I must say that he was OK with going outside to poop though.I was very thankful for that.
     I lost my dog in the divorce and really miss him.  I will let it go at that.

Isn't he cute?  I miss him, woof, woof.

 
    

Futility...

     Of the many subjects out in the great big world that I can write about, I am drawing a blank.   Right now, I can't think of any, and I have had my coffee.  In fact, I think I am going to go pour my second cup.  I don't feel motivated to write just now.  My mind is drawing a blank, which is a situation that many people have stated is my normal state of mind.  Its not, I can assure you but it is close.  I think I need to play more golf.
     Ahhh, that's better.  There is something about a good hot cup of coffee.At this point, I won't go off on a tangent of talking about coffee.  That would be unfair to you. I have written almost two paragraphs and have said a whole lot of nothing about anything.  But, at this point I don't have a topic to write about.
     I guess the whole writing process for me is futile for today. Hey, wait a minute I may be on to something. Is futility a topic?  Give me a minute here to think--futility, hmmmmm.
     The dictionary defines futile as being incapable of producing success or result: of being useless, ineffective or not successful.  Futility comes out of that definition. OK, we have the definition, now what am I going to do with it.  I don't know. I think I will take another sip of my coffee. I do need to get this written because "The Price Is Right" will be on in thirty-one minutes.
     How about some acts of futility? Housebreaking my chihuahua, now that was an act of fertility.  Who invented the chihuahua anyway? Keeping a twenty something year old son fed, whether a step-son or my own son is a lesson in futility.  It seems as though the tank is never full. I must be an optimist on this one, because with them the tank is always half full, never half empty. By the way, where did all the Fruit Loops go?  That box was full yesterday.  Hold on, the phone just rang.
     Writing this today would fall into the category of futility.  I just get on a roll and something happens.  Now, Price Is Right is starting so I guess trying to go any farther with
this is futile.

Moving a piano, a

possible lesson in futility.  I think that the piano moved us.

    

Listen Closely...This Is Very Important!

     I have something very important to share with you today.  This is something that has been on my heart for a very long time and would be totally remiss if I didn't put my thoughts down.  Don't worry, what I am about to say is not earth shattering and the world will probably not come to an end today--maybe tomorrow but not today.  It is my hope that you would continue reading.
     Wait just a minute, if you would please.  Denise is calling me.  What's that Dear?  I need to take you to work this morning because you can't get the car started.  O.K., I will be with you in a minute.  Oh, you need to go now.  I'll just be a second, I'm writing just now and am in the middle of an important post.  You need to leave right now.  O.K., let me just finish this thought.
     Excuse me, I will be right back.  I have to take my wife to work.






     Sorry for the interruption, but as most married people know when your spouse needs something--like right now--its not a good idea to keep her, and notice here that I said her, waiting.  That would be totally discourteous on my part and probably would result in my sleeping on the couch again tonight.  This is an unfortunate consequence that my intention is not to repeat.
     Let's see, where was I?  Oh yes.  What I am about to write may change your world hopefully for the better.  After finding out about it myself, it certainly did have an effect on my life and how I think.  The ramifications and influences the whole concept and thought will revolutionize your life.  Things will look different to you, I guarantee that.  Here goes.
    Wait a minute, the doorbell just rang.  I'll be right back.






     Sorry about that.  I had to answer the door.  That was really different.  It was a chihuahua dressed in a business suit that wanted to talk about freedom for dogs.  He mentioned something about car seats for dogs when they ride in their human's car, but I couldn't quite make out all he was saying other than he was very unhappy about my blog the other day.  After all, I don't speak Arfic. Now, where was I?
     Oh yes, back to what I was going to share with you that was extremely important. Hold on, my phone is ringing. Sorry I have to take this one.  Its from the cheese factory. I am supplying the cheese for a meeting of The Loyal Order of Mice and the cheese is being shipped today.  I have to stay on top of this one in order to be on the cutting edge of the situation.  This is a tough position, any way you slice it--OK, that one stunk like limburger.  I'll be right back.






     That was a close call.  All is well with the cheese, they just wanted to let me know all was well with the shipment.  They didn't want to spoil my day, but were happy to mold my expectations on how good the cheese would taste.
     Darn, nature calls.






     I'm back.  Let's see.  Hold on, the phone just rang again.  Its Denise and she needs me to pick her up. Sorry, I've got to run.  What was I going to share with you?  It must not have been that important.

OK, I know this post may not fly.  This airplane will.

   

 
    








   

Shovel Snow...Pull Weeds...Same Difference

     Those of you in the colder climates who are dealing with all that snow, I totally feel for you.  I really mean that. The cold and wet can be miserable and make life very difficult.  You have been shoveling snow for a very long time now. Please don't hate us in the fact that it has been in the seventies here in California.  If you want to hate someone, hate those people who live in Florida. OK, how about we don't hate anybody, that would not be nice. They have humidity and alligators in Florida, so I guess we can feel sorry for them.  They also have water in Florida, which we don't have so you can feel sorry for us in that respect.
     The grass is growing here--like weeds I would say, arf, arf-- because of the mild winter.  This is about three to four weeks too early.  My lawnmower is not ready for this.  The flowerbeds have weeds in them, oh no.  I am not supposed to be doing yard work for another three to four weeks.  Bermuda is supposed to be dormant this time of year. Trees are blooming, for goodness sake and it is not even March.  What is going to happen when the time changes.  How that relates to the trees blooming and grass growing, I don't know.  I'm running out of where to take this blog and what to say, so I thought I would just throw that in.
        Sorry, I will be right back, I have to close the blinds.  The sun is shinning in through my office window and I can't read my computer screen. There, that's better.
     I have shoveled snow before.  It is cold, hard backbreaking work and the kind of thing that is almost perpetual.  You shovel to clear your walk and driveway, and then it snows again. That's the pits. This is truly unfair. To all of those people that I know whom are in climates where it snow, I salute you for your perseverance. Remember, you come from hearty stock and this will not defeat you.
     Well, I have to run now.  Denise wants to work out in the yard.  She will mow and edge, and I am tasked with the weeding. So, I have got my shorts an work sandals on.  Where is my favorite tee shirt?  I have to be careful though, it is a bit nippy out there at about 62 degrees, but it is supposed to warm up. Yes, dear, I won't forget to put on my sunscreen.

The weeds seem to be getting out of hand.  She wants me to paint the house soon.

 

Back In Time...I Love Huey Lewis

     As many of you know--some know but don't care--we have recently moved from that huge metropolis of Fresno California to the small town of Merced, Ca. about sixty miles to the north. We made the move for a number of reasons, with the main reason being that Denise wanted to move back.  As we all know, nobody is happy unless momma is happy and so when she politely suggested that we move to Merced I did my husbandly duty and said "Yes Dear." You know, I kind of like Merced though. Its like going back in time 50 years.

They have a Home Depot AND a Lowe's here in Merced, but alas, no Olive Garden or Red Lobster.

     Don't feel sorry for me. I am not in exile, far from that. I miss the big city amenities such as restaurants staying open past 7:30 in the evening but you get used to that. Applebee's is open late though and I have invented a game.  The game is "Let's See How Long It Takes To Order Everything On Applebee's Menu, One Thing At A Time A Day At A Time After 9:00".  So far, I am on the third page of the menu, the chicken section, and have a ways to go.  I can't wait to get to the dessert section. The Roast Beef Sandwich was pretty tasty.
     Most of modern life in America has made it to Merced. They have cable T.V., phones, electricity and even cars--although I did see a horse drawn wagon downtown yesterday. I talked to the guy who rolls up the sidewalks yesterday and he told me that he would be retiring soon, to be replaced by an automated system. All you have to do is program the time and the sidewalks automatically roll up.  He plans to stay on part time as a back up for the system once it is installed, just in case. The important thing is that the sidewalks be rolled up and put away by 8:00 during the week and 9:00 on the weekends.  Of course, that time is extended during daylight savings by one hour.
     I miss you Olive Garden Fresno.  However, the Grilled Chicken White Sauce Lasagna and Belgian Waffle with Banana, Caramel Sauce and Vanilla Gelato at Pinocchio's has kind of made up for the loss here in Merced.  Only one thing, make sure you are at Pinocchio's before 7.  They close at 8.
   
     

New Post Coming Up Soon...Just Not Now

     I am not going to post right now.  It has been a busy morning and The Price Is Right is on.  I don't want to miss it.  Stayed tuned though, I am going to have a great post for you today.  It will have you rolling in the aisle.  I don't know if you have an aisle, but you can pretend.

Stay tuned, I will be back with you soon.

Here Today...Going Somewhere Else In a Little Bit

     I don't have very much time today, so I am not going to write a blog to share with you today.  I have to go very soon, so I have to say this is all I have.  Please don't get mad at me as I try very hard to communicate with you and bring you a chuckle or two.
     We will be leaving very soon, but I will be back.  Isn't it amazing that when you kind of have a day off, things seem to pile up and unexpected crisisses (What is the plural of crisis and how do you spell it?) pop up. They always seem to come when you are planning something really fun.  I hate that.  People don't seem to understand that a lack of planning on their part does not constitute a crisis on my part. When will people learn?
       I am not a fireman.  I just play one in life.  I am actually a freelance writer who taught for twenty years and then retired, but I have aspired to the position of fireman.  I don't put out the actual hot fires, but the fires that are created by mistakes of others or consequences that are created beyond my control that I have to put out. Problem is, these things seem to happen at times where I have something else planned and my plans have to change.  I guess that's why they pay me the big bucks, of yet I have to see.
       At any rate, ciao baby.  I'm on my way out the door.

This is the only door picture I have, so you will just have to accept it.

Rainy Days and Mondays Don't Always Get Me Down

     It is raining today.  We truly have to thank God for this, because of the severe drought we are having here in California.  The rain is very much welcomed.  But, with all due respect to Karen-rest her soul-and Richard Carpenter rainy days and Mondays don't always get me down.  In fact, I kind of like both.
     Mondays are no different for me than say a Saturday, Sunday or a Tuesday for that matter.  I am a writer and retired school teacher so I write whenever the spirit moves. The world doesn't wait for creativity. When an idea flashes in my head, I have to act upon it. Other things flash in my head as well, but we won't go there. There are people and others watching.
     Bottom line is that my workplace is in my office, which is on the other side of my house.  The T.V. is in the living room which is in the middle of the house from our bedroom. so I have to watch it.  I didn't mean actually "watch it", what I meant was I have to be careful that I don't waste a lot of time in front of the "boob tube" watching The Military Channel.  I think you get the point. I am getting pretty good about staying away from the T.V. when I have something to do. What about the kitchen?
     Mondays can be hard though.  Denise works a heavy schedule on Monday.  She works at U.C. Merced, as I have said, and parking there is atrociously expensive.  She either bums a ride with her friend or I take her.  When I have to take her, it kind of screws up my schedule.  I try to write, but I can't get into a rhythm as far as hatching new ideas for my writing.  The words just don't come.  For the most part, the day is shot, although yesterday I reattached a bathroom cabinet door.  That was one of those projects that you say you are going to get around to but never do.  Well, I got around to it and the door is on. I honestly don't mind the time I spend with her driving her.  Instead-now you know this is coming-of it being Driving Miss Daisy, its Driving Mrs. Rallis. You can groan here.
     I love rainy days.  In fact, it is raining here now.  I could write about all the poetic stuff about the smells and the light and all that, but I won't.  Quite frankly, I am out of stuff to write about now because I wrote so much

This is about the only rainy day picture I have.  It was taken on a Sunday.

about Monday.
     

Coke v. Pepsi...The Controversy of the Ages

As you know, it is always my intention to stay on the cusp of controversy. Today is no different. I am compelled to comment on the Coke vs. Pepsi wars which are dividing our country and the world today. This is serious stuff folks. Families have been torn apart by this war, all because of a couple of stupid soft drinks.
     By the way, to add fuel to the fire, let's get our terminology straight and correct.  It is not soda, soda pop pop or even tonic.  The correct terminology is soft drink, and if you really want to get technical the generic term is flavored non-alcoholic carbonated beverage.  So please, if you are going to join this discussion use the correct term of either soft drink or flavored non-alcoholic carbonated beverage.
     I will go on record here saying that I prefer Coke, and prefer Coke Zero over the sugar of regular Coke. There can be a controversy over that as well as my wife prefers Diet Coke over Coke Zero.  I think that she's wrong, but that is between us and I would never tell her that as I don't want to anger her. She's still wrong though. I will leave the Coke Zero-Diet Coke controversy alone for the time being.
     Coke has the better flavor.  It is not quite as sweet and the carbonation doesn't hide the flavor of the non-alcoholic beverage.  To me, Pepsi's flavor is not based on the recipe of the syrup, but on the amount of sugar and carbonation that is put into the soft drink. Don't get me wrong, if I were stranded on a desert island and the only thing I had to drink would be an endless supply of Pepsi, I would drink it.  I don't think I would bathe in it though.  That would depend if I was the only one on the island or if Denise were along.  Come to think of it, she would have to drink Pepsi as well. Whether or not she would bathe in it, I will just have to ask her.
     I'm not a big cola drinker anyway.  If I am drinking a caffeinated flavored non-alcoholic carbonated beverage, I prefer Dr. Pepper.  I guess Dr.  Pepper is now owned by the 7-up company, which is the old Royal Crown Cola Company. Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse the issue but facts are facts. As a matter of fact, I think I prefer Royal Crown to Coke, but it is almost impossible to get Royal Crown anywhere but a small liquor store in remote Manitoba, Canada.  I guess Coke and Pepsi had a hand in that, and that is too bad. R.C. was one of the first casualties of the cola wars. RIP Royal Crown.
     I have a confession to make.  I really don't drink that many flavored non-alcoholic carbonated beverages, especially after my last surgery. I had a bad case of acid reflux, so I had my DES valve repaired in my stomach.  I don't get the heartburn anymore, but the surgery has caused some unexpected consequences.  If I have gas, that gas has to go somewhere and not up through the esophagus. It goes out the back in the form of a "fart".  Yes, I use the word "fart" even though the correct medical term is flatulence. I thought that I would just give it to you as it is and not pull any punches. Not being able to use the word "fart" really stinks.
The bottom line is, I drink a lot of Crystal Light Fruit Punch now. Denise really appreciates that.
     So, for me it is Coke by a safety--two points.  Excuse me now, I just made a new pitcher of Crystal Light Fruit Punch.

Fruit is better for you than Coke or Pepsi

Save Our Dogs...The Dog Community's Response

       Bow, wow arf arf bow wow arf bow.  Arf arf, bow wow bow wow arf arfbow wow, bow wow. Grrrr...grr...bow wow. Arf bow wow grrr arf arf, bow wow.

ARF ARF,

Ruff, Ruff, Ruff

Arf woof woof. TRANSLATION: Let us run free as our cousins the foxes. 

TRANSLATION:

     My name is Buck Rotweiler, and I have been chosen by the American Society for the Preservation of
Canine Freedoms to respond to Mr. Rallis' post about dogs and car restraining devices.  As a proud member of that organization and being a canine myself, I wish to comment on Mr. Rallis' remarks.   The canine community is very much opposed to such actions.  It would run contrary to our God given canine rights and would restrict our Constitutional rights as to the pursuit of happiness.  This law, however well intended, would further restrict our rights as beings created by God to run freely amongst His creation. Enough is enough.
     You have restricted our rights as free canines for far too long.  We are no longer able to chase rabbits and other small animals freely in the land as you have enacted leash laws.  In order to soothe your guilt, you have created "doggie parks" where we are able to run free.  There are still fences. Squirrels and other small animals are off limits.  We can only chase so many frisbees. This restriction of our rights has to stop!
     Being able to roam freely in our master's car is a totally freeing experience.  The wind in our fur as we stick our heads out the open window is one of the last true vestiges of freedom for us.  It feels so exhilarating. It is one of the last experiences in a dog's life that makes us feel free.  Please don't take that away.

Your's respectfully,

Buck "Paws" Rotweiler
Executive Director
American Society for the  Preservation of Canine Freedoms  
     
   

Poor Little Spoon...

     Denise and I went to breakfast with some friends and my step son yesterday morning.  A tragedy was almost averted. It was a sad affair, but the outcome was positive and nobody was hurt. I am truly glad that things turned out the way they did.
     We sat down and ordered.  There was a light atmosphere at the table where we chatted and shared some laughs.  Then it happened, the tragic event.  It kind of caught me off guard.
     Our drinks were served and the fellowship at our table continued and I had an iced tea.  I heard this faint sound, but didn't know where it was coming from. For a moment, I ignored it thinking it was just a figment of my imagination.  The sound grew louder, and would not go away. I continued to ignore the muffled sounds until it was time to put the sweetener (the pink kind and I know its not good for you) and squeeze the lemon into my tea.  I like a lot of lemon in my tea. it kind of kills the taste.  I know, why drink iced tea if you don't like the taste of tea but you have to remember who is writing this. At any rate, back to my story I need to move on my coffee is getting cold.
     There it was, drowning.  It was helpless and because of its weight could not swim. I could see it very well, because of its grey silvery color contrasted with the chestnut brown and transparent ice of the tea.  It was a small teaspoon, trying to extricate itself from the deadly mix of transparent brown liquid. The glass was too deep, and the spoon could not get its head, or handle, above the level of the tea.  If I didn't act fast, the spoon would perish. Oh, you poor little spoon.
     I removed the spoon from its icy, brown peril and the spoon thanked me as I place the spoon in my wife's cup of coffee (OK, I made that one up because Denise doesn't drink coffee.  It just sounded pretty good.) to warm it up.  It had lost a great amount of body heat and was shivering after I took it out of the tea in order for hypothermia not to set in.
     Don't call me a hero, I don't need the accolades.  There is actually more to the story, something about the little silvery spoon that thought it could, each time it looked down at the inside of the glass of tea would say "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can can..." and jumped into the tea but couldn't.  I won't share that with you though, as the whole incident can make you pretty emotional.
     I'm proud of the preceding story.  I now it sounds stupid, and it is but after all it is Sunday and I haven't posted for a couple of days.  I needed to spoon something out to you.





Don't get mad at me for that one. Thank you for reading.

A spoon wouldn't drown in here. Its not deep enough.